I know I wrote recently about hating ourselves just a little less, but I gotta be honest...I hate my body tonight.
I hate how it looks in the mirror. I hate how I eat, and I feel hungry again right away. I hate how I have gained weight, how I feel in my body, my rolls and my bulges. Tonight, they are not curves, they are not "womanly," they are not sexy, they are ugly. I hate how I can't see my feet without bending over significantly, as if I were pregnant or something. I hate my double chin, my flabby arms, how my inner thighs touch, and my love handles, and I hate that name for them, because there is nothing to love about them, and I don't want anyone handling them.
I have struggled with feeling hungry all the time for so long, and I am trying to work on it, with a dietitian no less. And it just will not go away. No wonder I have always had weight issues, I'm constantly trying to make the hunger go away by eating more.
Everyone always has ideas, and sympathy, and that's great, but it's just not helping anymore. It's like the doctors and my dietitian telling me to just exercise, because I'll feel better. Well, I don't. I am tired, and hungry, and I want to scream and throw something and run and get that stomach stapling surgery. Or go start taking an appetite suppressant. I feel gross, and this gnawing hunger is going to make me go nuts. I'm starting to think there's something medically wrong with me, but doctors are stumped.
I'm also sick of people telling me it's in my mind. If I could take control of this, I would have already done it. I wouldn't have let myself get to the weight I am today (I was shocked when I was weighed at the doctor's office yesterday).
Another one I really like - "be kind to your body." Well, I would be, if it would stop being so annoying and aggravating!
Can I please just have a body that doesn't need to struggle every day? Can I just have a normal hunger pattern? A good energy level? A body I can be happy living in? Please?
Happy 8th Birthday Princess
7 years ago
Megan | 07 June, 2012 05:58
Your worth is not determined by your waist size or the number on a scale. All bodies are beautiful, and your body is not wrong, gross, or ugly. Your body belongs to you; it is not public property, and no one has the right to comment on it, dictate what you put into it or on it. If you're hungry, eat something. If you don't feel like exercising because you're tired or for any other reason, don't feel obligated to do that.
It took me a very long time to be comfortable with my own body, and I still have days where I feel terrible about myself. I always suggest making lists about all the amazing things your body can do, and the amazing things your body does on a daily basis. Don't lose sight of that. Your body is a treasure. It is magnificent. It keeps you alive, and it gets you through every day.
If you need to talk more privately, my email is RavenByDay@aol.com.
Small Girl Big World | 07 June, 2012 10:53
Thank you, your words are really helpful.
I am feeling better today, but yesterday I was obviously having a really hard time.
I've been realizing lately how powerful society, advertisements, and socialization is, and how scary that is, actually. And how hard it is to break from it. Society has been telling me for my whole life that I should be skinnier, but at the same time, I'm getting advertising messages to eat chocolate and McDonald's and ice cream and who knows what else. It's a total contradiction, and it's confusing, but it's also powerful.
For a long time, I've turned to food when I needed comfort. Not all the time, but often. I'm getting better about this. Eating junk food once in a while is ok, but when you're doing it constantly because you think it makes you feel better emotionally, that's not good.
But the constant feeling of hunger is something that is really getting on my nerves. I try to eat something healthy to make it go away, and it does for a little while, and then comes back. I am working with a dietitian, who says I need more protein, but also more fiber. So that's what I've been doing. I drink a lot of water every day, so I don't think I'm confusing my hunger with thirst. But sometimes, I think I'm confusing hunger with the normal feeling of digestion...
It's all really frustrating, especially when it affects your health.